past times past

It's been almost 16 years now since i started playing the flute. Of those years, about 2 have been without music. Cuz of engsci, of course. Last year I joined a university symphonic band. I was 3rd chair, 1st flute. Not bad considering I didn't play during first year. It was wonderful... until I couldn't make rehearsals due to design. I lasted for one semester, one concert. The music was brilliant. To people who have never played in a large ensemble, I can't explain it. The feeling of being part of something larger than yourself, of something beautiful.

Then I just never went again. There were upper year engscis in that band. I don't know how they handled everything, but it made me ashamed. Sometimes I see someone from the band on the street, and I try and avoid them. I've never quit anything like this in my life. It's just so wrong. But here I am. I haven't played my flute since I quit. Seeing some of my peers play violin and piano at a recent concert, really makes me miss it. I can't wait until I have time to pick it up again. And not just for fun, either... for the challenge. I want to get back to intense practicing, where I actually master a piece of difficult music again. As if i were practicing for one of those exams again... except this time, it will be for myself.

I seriously need a job... dunno what i'm going to do if PEY doesn't come through for me. I think my last interview went really well, but i'll have to knock on wood for saying that. Right now i've got my heart set on that job... sounds really sweet, and i might even get a Six Sigma Green Belt out of it. That's something real... i need something real. I can't even decide if i want to do grad school, though i think i probably should try for it. I just want to find something real that will keep me interested and engaged. Something that will help me decide what i want to do... not just what i think i should do because in this microcosm i can't see what's really out there.

This semester has been better than last... well, there are still bad surprises along with the good, but damn, i'm really smoking one course in particular. Even though, once again, it's not a technical eng course - but i feel real doing it, not just going through the motions of stuffing things in my head. This year, through all the bad, I am finding that I still have skills, that I still can get those 90s. Granted, that only happens in select courses. But I suppose that gives me some direction. I don't feel so bad about myself all the time anymore. That's huge.

***Just give me the opportunity. I can deliver.***

Crossing fingers.

posted by starfire @ 9:32 PM